Gas Shortage? I don't think so

There is a lot of coverage on the news about the price of gas lately. While our president would like to blame it on the Russians, the fact is, as soon as he took office he shut down the pipeline, and the price of gas went through the roof. I wonder what Air force One runs on. Anyone heard of an electric plane? Let me know how that works. 

 Actually its not the price of gas that this post is about, it's that other gas that causes bloating and intestinal discomfort that I'm referring to. When it comes to gas, I've got it in abundance. Unfortunately, no one wants it. 

I made a pot of bean and ham soup yesterday. I put all the ingredients in the crock pot before church, and by dinner time, it was ready. Frankly, it's delicious. As mentioned, the problem with the beans is that they do affect me in a most unpleasant manner. I blow up like a hot air balloon and for the rest of the night the pressure relief valve is working overtime. I wonder if I were to put a camera in my room at bed time if it would record periodic episodes of my blanket lifting off my body a few inches throughout the night.

 After a few bowls of my delightful bean soup, I'm tempted to tie ropes to my appendages and volunteer for the Macy's Day Parade as one of the balloons. I could probably compete with Woody Woodpecker or Sponge Bob Square Pants. I'd be flying high until the inevitable started to happen. My sphincter would be working overtime trying to keep me afloat. 

 I'm hoping that the bean soup will be all finished up in the next day or so. This Thursday we're having a celebration and I've got family members and friends gathering inside and I don't want to be the cause of their discomfort. There's nothing like a bunch of people gathering around an old fartsack to create a perfect storm. It's a bit of a social faux pas to lift your leg and let loose in a crowd. Of course if there are little kids around, you can blame it on them. They're too young and innocent to know what's going on. On the other hand, being old does have some advantages. If you happen to pass gas in a crowd, chances are that you will have forgotten that it happened by the end of the day.

 I'm reminded of a cow on the farm named Maybell. As soon as the milking crew came into the barn in the morning, she would stand up and for five second intervals would raise her tail and fart throughout the whole milking process. I refused to milk her. Fortunately a fellow who was much more tolerant than me took care of her. He used to call her Madame Queen, although I don't know why. Sounds better than Ol' Gas Bag I guess.

 In any event, I'm still feeling pretty bloated. I may have to go out for a walk and see if the jarring motion won't hasten the release of pent up gasses. I don't want to go into the living room where my wife is and compromise the air quality. She might banish me to the garage until bed time.