From Trees to Toilets

 If I may be so bold, I would like to comment here on something I have to believe we're all familiar with. I suppose that if you have a computer, you probably have indoor plumbing as well, and if you have indoor plumbing, you use toilet paper. It's known by several names - toilet paper, TP, tissue paper and several others that are a little more crass that I won't mention here. When I worked at the L. Kane Store, Ol' Swede, the manager of the ferry terminal, used to come in from time to time and mention that he needed "bung-fodder". It wasn't until he made his way to the paper aisle that I realized what he wanted. When I moved to the "end-time" farm, we used outhouses, and since we were supposed to be "denying the flesh man", someone felt like we should forgo toilet paper. At least that's the impression I got. Perhaps there just wasn't enough money to buy it. In any event, we used newspapers and magazines that were cut into little four inch squares. I'm here to report that there is no comparison between toilet paper and newspaper; and magazines are even worse yet. One industrious fellow discovered that if he wrinkled up the magazine, it would kind of break down the shiny paper and become more absorbent, but it still couldn't hold a candle to Charmin. I used to work in supermarkets in the lower 48, and when I moved to Alaska, in two of the local stores. The toilet paper aisle used to take up at least four feet of width and several shelves in height, sometimes more. Everyone seemed to have a preference. We stocked as much variety as we could, but there are so many brands that it would have been impractical to carry them all. At the time colored toilet paper was very popular. Usually there were packages that came with pastel blues, pinks, greens and yellows. I don't know if they still make it, or if white just became more acceptable. After all, white goes with almost any color of bathroom. I decided to research some of the more popular brands available now. In alphabetical order there is Angel Soft, Caprice Green TP, Charmin Ultra Soft, Charmin Ultra Strong, Coronet, Cottenelle, Green Forest Unscented, Kirkland, Kleenex, Lotus, Naturelle, Northern, Nouvelle, Scott, Seventh Generation, Soft and Gentle, Tesco Value, Tradecraft, Whitecloud, and Wind Soft. Hmm... Wind Soft. Maybe that's if you find you're just full of hot air. I'm sure there may be others, but that's all I found. My son-in-law orders his from Amazon. It's made out of bamboo. It's very soft and absorbent, and I'm sure it costs a bundle, but I don't ask. He has more disposable income than I have, so if he wants premium TP, go for it. Several of the brands made me wonder about the quality. With Charmin you have a choice between Ultra Soft or Ultra Strong. Does that mean that the strong stuff is less soft, or the soft stuff is less strong? Just wondering. Also, I don't mean to dismiss anyone's toilet paper, but do you want to buy a brand that has value after it's name? Maybe it's great stuff, but why is it a better value? Something to consider before you commit your money. Perhaps you've noticed, at least here in America, that there is a general downsizing of the goods we buy in the grocery stores. Instead of five pound bags of sugar, they are four pounds. A half gallon of ice cream is now three pints. The pizza box is still the same size, but the pizza inside the box only takes up about half the space. The same is true of the toilet paper that is being used in public toilets. I avoid them whenever I can, but there have been occasions where the need required I use them, and the toilet paper rolls are about an inch less in width. It's bad enough that you could read a newspaper through the one ply tissue, but now you're expected to perform an important duty with inferior products. Why not just install bidets instead? Oh well, enough of that. In my research of this topic, I discovered that one Joseph Gayetty invented the first toilet paper in 1857. Initially it was medicated I believe. An Englishman named Walter Alcock was the first to put it on rolls, and the Scott brothers, Thomas, Edward and Clarence were the first to successfully promote toilet paper to the world. Obviously toilet paper is near and dear to the hearts of Americans. I read that one fellow traded in his 401k and bought a whole barn full of toilet paper back during the Y2K scare. It would be the pits if his barn roof leaked. When the pandemic started, people were hoarding toilet paper. I'm not sure why. If you can't buy any food, what do you need toilet paper for? Ugh, people. So there you have it. I hope that you found this enlightening. Perhaps next time you go to your local grocery store you can ask one of the clerks where they keep the "bung-fodder" and see if he understands what you want.