Am I A Criminal?

  

        I was making my bed today. Actually I was changing the sheets before I made it. While the pillow case was off I noticed the tag that hangs on pillows and mattresses. It's like an official government notice not to remove the tag under penalty of law. Really? Are you kidding  me? What, is there a pillow police? If I remove the tag, will a couple of guys show up to my doorstep wearing trench coats, fedoras and dark glasses? What is the fine for removing the tag off the mattress? Is it higher than the fine for taking the tag off the pillow? Why do they even put it on there? Can you imagine ripping off the tag  and thoughtlessly tossing it into the bathroom waste can, and the next day the feds show up?

Picture this if you will- you're drinking coffee in your easy chair. It's 8:30 on a Tuesday morning. You're watching the news and getting royally pissed off by the latest blunder by our leaders. The doorbell rings and you look at your wife quizzically. She wasn't expecting anyone, and neither were you. Maybe it's the neighbors asking to borrow a cup of sugar. You reluctantly answer the door when you realize she isn't getting out of her chair. You open the door and the two feds I mentioned earlier are there on your front porch, looking official.

"Hello, Mr. Botts?"

"Yeah."

"Mr. Thomas Botts?"

"Yes, that's me. Who the heck are you and what do you want?"

"Sir, my name is Agent Bildock, and this is my partner Agent Flannery. We're with the United States Division of Pillows and Mattresses. It's come to our attention that you tore the tag off a Serta Sleep Comfort pillow- Extra Firm. Can you confirm that you own such a pillow sir?"

"Yes, I do, but I don't see how that's any of your business. How did you even know about the tag? Are you guys in the planes that I hear flying overhead after I go to bed? That's really irritating, I have to tell you. Also, if you have any clout with the Serta people, let them know that the Extra Firm isn't that firm at all. After about a week of sleeping on it, it starts to flatten  out."

"Sir, judging by the size of your head, I suspect it's what is known in the business as Fat Head Syndrome, but we're not here about that. If you bothered to read the tag, you would realize that the government frowns on it's citizens ripping important documents off certain bed related items."

"BUT IT'S MY PILLOW! Why does the government care about what I do with  it?"

"Mr. Botts, we're the government. We care about everything that happens to our citizens. If you get into a pillow fight and feathers fly as a result, we care. If your blanket is washed in warm water and dried to the point that it starts to pill, we become very concerned. If your mattress starts to sag, or unsightly stains appear on the surface, we don't ask how that happened, but we do take notice."

"Wow, I had no idea that the government cared about me so much. Does it matter what kind of sheets I use?"

"Sir, don't be ridiculous. While the government considers white cotton with no elastic on the bottom sheet the standard, you of course can choose whatever color or type you like: cotton, bamboo, silk, it's up to you."

"Wow, that's good to know. I don't want to get on the bad side of the government. So, what am I supposed to do with the tag for the pillow?"

Agent Bildock reached into his jacket pocket and produced a new government warning tag.

" Take this and have it sewn on the pillow that is tagless, then fill out the forms I'm giving you with the hour and day the tag was replaced. Send it in the envelope provided by the Division of Pillows and Mattresses. You have seven days to comply. If your paperwork isn't in our office by next Tuesday at 4:00 PM, you'll be hearing from us." They turned to walk down the steps and were almost to the driveway when a question formed in my mind.

"Wait! Agents, when my pillow gets too old and smashed down, what do I do with it?"

Bildock smirked and looked at Flannery before addressing me. " Sir, you take it to the fire station to be burned, just like the national flag. Have a good day sir."

I closed and locked the door and put the paperwork and tag on the kitchen counter, thankful that I didn't get hauled away in cuffs for my serious infraction.