The Grump Notebook

No doubt you've heard of Forrest Gump, the movie that was so popular a number of years ago, starring Tom Hanks. Perhaps you also recall several movies starring  Walter Matthau. He was in Grumpy Old Men and Grumpier Old Men with Jack Lemon. Walter's love interest was Sophia Loren, a really hot Italian star from the sixties. Frankly, even though she must have been pushing 70 at least at the time of the movie, she still looked pretty appealing. Anyway, a few weeks back, my friends, Mark and Sarah took a trip to Anchorage, and while they were up there, they found this Grump Notebook and thought of me. Apparently I remind them more of Walter Matthau than I do of Tom Hanks, although not much separates grump and Gump. In the event that you can't read what the notebook says, I'll list the various complaints that are supposed to be logged in this fine notebook.

things that annoy me

enemies list

stern letters of correction

fresh rants

and last but not least

daily disappointments

I might also add irritants, much like certain chemicals on sensitive skin.There are some things that go beyond annoyance to the more advanced degree of aggravation considered irritants. I most definitely need that category to be here. I was at the post office when Mark passed it over the counter to me, and I immediately put an entry into it. I had come to pick up a set of new stamps that I found interesting, and there weren't any. I believe that there had been one set, but it had been sold, so under the heading Things that annoy me, I  listed- Getting only one set of desirable stamps. While I was still ranting, my friend John Murray came in and started giving me a hard time, so I had my second entry right away- Being harassed at the post office by Murray. While I was still there thinking about things that annoy me, I started to play back a scene from almost every year that I've ever gone fishing. The third entry was- People who catch more fish than me. I'm not comparing myself to the guys who go out with fifty foot boats and nets that scoop up thousands of fish in one setting. I'm talking about the guys who are fishing along side or in front of me, using the same gear, going the same speed, at the same depth and end up doubling my catch on a regular basis. It absolutely drives me nuts. I've been known to pull my gear and run to a completely different area just so I won't be confronted with my own incompetence. As I'm writing this I see that I need to list another annoyance: the fact that the post office offers priority mail service where your package is supposed to arrive in three days. It seldom does, so why do I have to pay for three day delivery? There should be a special reduced fee that you should be able to apply for when they know full well that it's not going to make it in time.

  Next up is the enemies list. I don't know if I have any real enemies per se. There's a guy down the street who I feel is continually abusing the federal subsistence law, and frankly I've had fantasies about shooting his boat and motor as it's parked at his place, but I don't know that he would qualify as an enemy. I really dislike most of congress, especially those on the left, and in particular the new batch of congresswomen who are completely radical in my opinion, but I can't really say they're enemies either. I just wish they'd wake up and have a reality check.

   I do like the line- stern letters of correction- it just sounds right. Perhaps I could send a few to the radical leftist congresswomen, but I doubt that it would do any good. If you don't vote in their congressional district, our senators and congressmen don't want to hear from us. I think that could qualify as a daily disappointment as well as a thing that annoys me, although I don't think annoy is a strong enough word to describe my feelings concerning congress. How they can continue to draw a paycheck when they don't accomplish anything is a complete mystery to me. And it really, really aggravates me. They don't even have to show up to work to get paid. Amazing. I guess I've started a fresh rant, or perhaps it's not so fresh. It's been hashed out and repeated countless times in every living room, coffee shop, restaurant, office and barbershop in America. However, nothing seems to change. I wonder what Walter Matthau would have to say about this.
   I doubt that I would have any problem finding new things to rant about, especially with the tourist season about to start here. I can feel my heart start to race at the very thought of what's to come. No doubt I'll be able to fill the book long before the summer is over.
   Ahhh, daily disappointments. I need to look no further than my own life and lack of discipline to fill a number of pages. However, if I unexpectedly am having a good day and find myself pleased with my performance, I'm sure I won't have to look long before I'll find something or someone to be disappointed in.
  I have to say, it was very thoughtful of my friends to buy me a book so that I could record my many and diverse complaints. Although there's not too much of a chance that I would forget what's bothering me, it's good to look back and be reminded of how much is wrong in the world. Heaven forbid that the news media would cease to bring daily reminders of how bad we have it.