Frustration!

I had to go to Juneau earlier this week for a little annual maintenance on my bod. The doctors have you at a distinct disadvantage. They won't authorize any refills for your meds if you don't go for a physical at least once a year, so I had to go in. I needed to go see the dentist too- I'm starting to look like a Jack-o-lantern when I smile so I needed some upkeep there as well. While we were there we stayed at a hotel for a few nights. The gal at the front desk said they had wi-fi. That's nice. I don't know wi-fi from hi-fi, although one has to do with computers and the other a stereo system I guess. Anyway, since it had been a few days since I had checked my emails, I thought I would avail myself of the hotel computers and check it out. I couldn't believe how fast their Internet was. As soon as I put in my password my email account came up. I didn't even have time to go get a cup of their free coffee. When I turn on my computer here at the house I have to wait for ten minutes just so I can put in my password so I can start to do anything else. If I'm lucky enough to have the icon for the Internet to come up, I can go in, take a shower, get breakfast and make a few phone calls while I'm waiting. It's incredibly frustrating.I think my computer has a personality of it's own. I think I'll call it Ralph cause  it makes me want to puke sometimes.For the life of me I don't know how anything that is still working could possibly be this slow. I've got an anti-virus program installed and several times a day I run a program called C-cleaner- the C stands for crap. I'm not making that up; but even so, this thing is so slow I think it's setting records.  I could probably do a commercial for something like PC Matic. All the stuff I've tried has failed, so I'm thinking it's about time someone came up with a Homer Simpson button for the computer. It could be right on your keyboard and when you hit it a voice would announce, "whhhyyy youuuu!" just like Homer does when he's throttling Bart. Then an electrical shock could pulse through whatever component was giving you trouble and hopefully rectify the situation. When I go to use my keyboard, a message comes up on the screen and says  "keep your hands off of me!" I'm like Rodney Dangerfield, I don't get no respect. For those who would like to bypass the keyboard altogether, perhaps a squeeze ball like folks use to relieve stress or strengthen their grip could be installed. When your computer (in my case, Ralph) decides not to cooperate, you squeeze the ball repeatedly until it decides to work as it was intended to. It would be a win-win situation. Either the computer speed would improve dramatically or you would end up with much less stress, and forearms like Popeye with a grip that could crush bone. In the interim, while I'm waiting for these grand ideas to become a reality, I'll practice cursing at the damn thing.