Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Toilet King

I'm sure anyone browsing the web, hoping to come across some pictures of Alaska would be sorely dissapointed if they came across this blog post. After all, what does a toilet have to do with Alaska? Well, obviously, we do have toilets here- at least in this part of the state. Up north in some of the more remote villages they still don't have the pleasure of indoor plumbing so they resort to five gallon buckets. When I was on the farm we used outhouses or camp toilets if we were inside for the night and the urge hit. It made for some interesting stories. Everyone who lived there for any length of time had a story or two about the potty. I don't know what is so funny about toilet humor- I guess it's something we can all relate to.
I was speaking to my daughter Camille the other day. She was talking to me from inside her bathroom. My grandson is in the process of being potty trained, which, anyone who has ever had kids knows, is quite a big deal. Like many kids, he at first didn't want to sit on the toilet. I think we all have a fear when we're young that we might fall in. I have a bigger fear now of once I sit on it I may not be able to get off. It would be emberrasing to have to call in the fire or ambulance crew to rescue you. Anyway, he's gotten to where he likes to go to the potty. So much so that now he doesn't want to get off. I suggested she buy him a crown and declare him the Toilet King. Of course if she did that he would probably want to take his meals there. She does like many parents do and makes a production out of his using the potty. He gets a star or a sticker or some such thing. If I got a star every time I used the john it would look like the Milky Way around here. I believe she said she had bought him some special training pants with Tommy the Train on them. I like trains. I wonder if they have anything like that on packages of Depends. Something to look forward to I guess. She mentioned the only time he wears a diaper is at night when he goes to bed, which got me to thinking. What if there were special underwear with a built in funnel for night time. Most bedrooms aren't very far from the bathroom- you could hook up a special hose made just for the Funnel Pants. One pair would last for weeks, unless the gasket leaked. Something to think about. While I was writing this I happened to think about a book I read by Robert Fulghum. It was titled UH OH. In it he discusses the possibility of having a pair of Swiss Army underwear. It would be a great invention. He says they would be black with a red and white stripe down the side and could double as swim trunks in an emergency. Inside the band would be the rules for poker to let you know if a full house beat a straight or whatever. They would be made from the same material as parachutes- light weight yet durable, and the best part- if you happen to be in an accident and end up in the hospital, you wouldn't have to worry about what your mom said about having clean underwear. "Nothing but the best of care for this patient nurse- this man is wearing Swiss Army underwear." Great minds think alike.


  1. I think you should patent your idea dad :)

  2. I probably should Camille. I'm probably out millions of dollars just because I haven't patented some of my great ideas. I thought of having a motorized wheelbarrow, which I never pursued, and one night I was watching TV and I saw one advertized. No doubt someone will climb on the dining trousers idea soon and you watch- pretty soon the mitten diet will be all the rage around the country. Oh well.

  3. OMG...I'm bustin a gut right about now...some of the stuff you come into is just unbelievable...