Step Off!

I'm a firm believer in the idea that the more gadgets you have, the more problems you're going to encounter. A case in point is a modern car. Not only do they cost as much as a house used to, you can't work on them yourself. I suppose I could change the oil if I wanted to climb underneath it and dismantle the cover beneath the car. Lord knows if I would be able to unscrew the filter and open the oil pan plug. I know that you can't grease the axles because they don't have zirc fittings anymore. I guess if something wears out, you have to buy a new one, at an enormous price. My car, which isn't fancy at all, has a back-up camera, which I love, as well as heated seats, which I'm also very fond of. There is also a feature that allows me to plug in my smart phone, but I don't have one, so I don't use it.

At one time, stoves, refrigerators, and washers and dryers used to last twenty or more years. They had one job to do and they did it. They didn't call you on the phone to remind you that you were running low on milk, or play a ditty when the clothes were dry. We have a washer and dryer set that came with the house. If the door isn't shut on the washing machine, a bell dings and a message lets you know you screwed up. When our clothes are dry, we get a thirty second mechanical song to tell us to remove them from the dryer. There is no "fold" option, but that's probably coming soon. The thing is, appliances have a much shorter life now, in part, I believe, because of all the gadgets. They aren't content to do what they were designed to do, they're taking on extra responsibilities.

When we went on vacation with the girls this past summer, we rented a Lincoln Navigator, not because we wanted to appear rich or snooty, but because it had three rows of seats, which we needed, and also I wanted to be comfortable if I was going to drive several thousand miles. That car had a built in massage function for the driver and front passenger, with five different settings. It also had a hands off feature, so you didn't have to hang on the wheel the whole time. Like other modern conveniences, it came with a bossy feature. I took my hands off the wheel so I could look around at something besides the road, and it dinged after a few seconds and commanded me to look at the road. When Autumn was driving, it yelled at her about every thirty seconds. When did the things we own start telling us what to do?

Today I went up to take shower after we got the appliances installed. While I was butt naked, I stepped on the bathroom scale. The weight jumped back and forth like a roulette wheel until it finally settled on what it said was my true weight. Then a message showed in neon blue that said -STEP OFF. What the hell? Can't I stand on my own bathroom scale without it commanding me what to do? What's next?  Is it going to demand that I don't stand on it until I lose a proper amount of weight? Is it going to humiliate me while I'm standing naked as a Jaybird? "Hey Tubby, don't even think about it!" or, With that gut, can you even see your feet?"

There are refrigerators that have doors that you can see through now. What is that about? Are we so lazy now that we can't even open the door to see what's inside? What if there was a snack burglar roaming the neighborhood? He could just check the outside of your  fridge to see if there was anything worth stealing before he moved on to your neighbor's kitchen.

What's next, toilet paper rolls that tell us how much to use? "Roll that back on dude, you've used enough for one sitting!" Perhaps toilets that speak to us. "You're killing me down here, hurry up and flush!" What about a shower nozzle that monitors how long you've been in the tub?  "You're clean enough! Get out!"

It's an amazing time we're living in. There have been lots advances in science over the past twenty or so years, and while I'm glad that I can sit in the comfort of my own bathroom and relieve myself, I'd rather not have my possessions monitoring me.