I've Got a Puffy

About a month ago, I broke down and bought myself a new mattress. The last one I bought was shortly after we  moved in to Hoonah from the farm. I guess the one I had was roughly forty years old. I know, I know, who has a mattress for that long? Well, obviously, I did. About ten years ago I had bought a topper for it at Costco, and it made it fairly comfortable until just recently. I was waking up every day with back pain, and I tossed and turned all night trying to find a comfortable spot. Obviously, it was time to buy another one.

 I had seen advertisements for the Purple mattress, and they were quite clever. One ad showed an egg on the mattress and over six hundred pounds of sheet glass being lowered onto it, without the egg breaking. That was impressive, but I'm not an egg, and I'm fairly certain I'll never have six hundred pounds forcing me down into the mattress. I had visions of trying to get myself out of bed in the morning and sinking into the waffle design. It might take me fifteen minutes to get out of bed, and after a workout like that, I'd be ready for bed again, so it would defeat the purpose. I had checked out another high end mattress, a Satvaa, I believe it was. Very expensive. Supposedly its used by high end hotels. I don't sleep when I'm at a hotel, so why would I want to spend a bundle on something that would keep me awake at home? Plus there was the whole issue of getting it shipped to Wasilla.

 I decided to check what the market said about the best mattress, and from what I could determine, the Puffy Mattress ranked right near the top. It so happened it was made in America, it was $1500.00 off the retail price, they paid for the freight to deliver it to my house, and you can sleep on it for 101 nights to decide it you like it or not.

 It all sounded reasonable, so I bit the bullet. True to the ad, it showed up about ten days after I ordered it. The poor Fed Ex driver about had a heart attack delivering it up to the front porch. It came in a box and weighed close to 100 pounds. I was up in the shower when he delivered it, but Jan was concerned for him.

 What the heck, if he was having an issue, and he delivers packages for a living, how the hell was I going to get the thing up to my bedroom? I darn near pass out just vacuuming our living room carpet.

Jan said she would help me, but though the offer was heartfelt, I knew I may as well ask a three year old to haul it upstairs. I opted to get my two wheel cart and haul it up, one stair at a time. Good Lord, I know what the folks who climb Mt. Everest must feel like. When I reached the top of the stairs, though I should have been exhilarated by my triumphant feat, I just wanted to catch my breath. 

 Through some super human feat, I managed to get the bed up onto the box spring with the last of my waning strength, where I wrestled with the box, trying to keep it from slipping off the bed on the other side, while at the same time attempting to remove the bed from it's protective box. Some minutes later, I was successful. The bed was rolled up like a ninety eight pound jelly roll and covered in layers of plastic, holding it all together. I really didn't want to take a knife to the plastic, lest I should penetrate the mattress underneath and be forced to live with my stupidity for the remainder of my days. Through some modern day miracle, I managed to free it from the layers of plastic without even one puncture wound, not even on myself. Even then it wasn't free. I had one more layer of plastic to remove so it could expand. I have to admit, looking at it laying there on the box spring with the whole mattress compressed into about an inch of width, I started wondering if I'd been ripped off. I was pleasantly surprised to see that after the last of the plastic covering was removed, it was like a fat lady removing a girdle. The mattress started bursting forth, free at last from it's binding. It took an hour or so before it expanded to all of it's glory, and was surprisingly comfortable. A little firm, but still giving a little bit. I could still send it back if I found that it wasn't to my complete satisfaction, but the folks at Puffy know that no one is going to attempt to shove that mattress back in the box from whence it came.

 The company even sent me two pillows, made out of the same material as the mattress I guess. I think they're memory foam or some such thing. One thing for sure, they weigh about ten pounds apiece. Good Lord, if you had a pillow fight with one of these, a trip to the hospital would surely follow.

I can't say that I'm getting a good nights sleep, but that might not be the fault of the mattress. I usually need to get up and pee about three or four times a night, and my nose, forgetting that one of it's functions is to allow me to breath, shuts down at night, forcing me to breath through my mouth, thus making it as dry as a dessert floor.

It's hard being me. It's a full time job and the pay isn't that good. Oh well.