The Colonoscopy That Wasn't

 

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Sometimes I feel like a character in the Gary Larson cartoon- The Far Side. He always portrayed goofy looking animals or characters in bizarre situations. One of my favorites showed a lady jumping out of a burning building, striking a trampoline - like device that the firemen are holding, and bouncing into another building that is also on fire. I found that hilarious, but then I have a weird sense of humor.

The reason I mention this is it appears that no matter what I do in my life, something out of the ordinary always seems to come up. For instance, I was at my doctors office a few months ago. We talked about private matters like my prostate. I told him I wasn't going to go for any more prostate exams. The exam entails a doctor sticking his digit up your back side and feeling around. The last time I visited my old doctor, I told him I wasn't going to do the finger trick anymore.

"How about a fist then? he said.

Everybody's a comedian. Anyway, my present doctor also mentioned my having a colonoscopy. I can't remember agreeing to it, but somehow I found myself filling out paperwork for one a few weeks ago. I had finally resolved to go through the procedure, since it would be the only time in my life I would do it.

Part of the preparation is to clear out your insides with a powerful laxative that has to be taken over the course of two days. The name of the stuff is Golightly. Talk about a misnomer. Golightly. It should be called Crap-your-guts-out, or Thunder-in-a bottle or some such more appropriate thing. I had to drink a whole gallon of the stuff. It was really salty and I can promise you, it worked well. In fact when the pharmacist gives you the laxative to mix up, they should include a couple handles for the toilet seat and a seat belt. That's some powerful laxative. Believe me when I say, you don't dare fart.

I wasn't looking forward to the procedure. The idea that someone is going to be shoving a lighted tube with a camera up my yin-yang was rather disconcerting. I was told I would be given something that, though it wouldn't knock me out, would make the procedure more acceptable. I just wanted to get the whole thing behind me.

I arrived at the hospital a little early, and got right in to admitting. That was the end of the smooth sailing. I received the necessary paperwork and told to go to the lab for an EKG. There was a whole bunch of people waiting, and the line was moving at a snail's pace. After thirty or so minutes without much movement, I heard a bell ring over the P A system and a lady said,
"Code black! All department heads report to the office."
There was a lot of scrambling of personnel, and we were all left looking around at each other like a bunch of scared kids. After another ten minutes or so, a spokesperson came out and mentioned there was a major car accident, and all personnel were needed for whatever was coming. I was told I could probably still get the EKG in the operating area and was directed to go there.

I spoke to the doctor who was going to do the colonoscopy and I guess the EKG as well. He shook my hand and apologized and then mentioned he didn't know when he could do the procedure. There was a fellow in front of me who had been waiting an hour and a half already, and suggested that I may want to reschedule. I told him I wasn't planning on rescheduling. One bout of Golightly in my life was enough. So, I was saved from the humiliation of a colonoscopy by the unfortunate decision of some local drivers to speed on icy roads. So, I may never know until it's too late if I have polyps growing in my colon, but I don't want to live forever anyway.