Saturday, December 8, 2018

I'm Your Right Hand Man



When I was a kid, winter was always a challenge for me. I didn't like cold weather, and Ohio in the winter was quite cold and frequently snowy. Like any kid, I wanted to be out with my friends though, throwing snow balls, sledding, building snow forts and whatnot. There was one closet downstairs for the whole family to share, and into that closet was crammed as many coats, hats, snow suits, gloves and mittens as possible. Every year for Christmas I was given a pair of gloves. By December 26th I had usually managed to lose at least one. No matter how diligently I searched the closet floor or shelf, I could never come up with a glove to match it's mate. On more than a few occasions I went out with mis-matched gloves. I don't recall now, but I may have had to settle for a glove on one hand and a sock on the other. Socks were notorious for getting lost too. Gloves and socks are probably part of the same genus- Clothingus Disappearus. Well, obviously I'm not a little kid anymore, and surprisingly I'm able to wear the same pair of gloves from one season to the next. However, I'm still having a problem with mis-matched gloves. More accurately, I'm sorely lacking in left handed gloves. All of the gloves pictured above are for my right hand. I didn't lose their mates, I cut them on the teeth of the fish that I clean. If I were ambidextrous I could switch hands and hold the fish in my right hand, thus giving me an equal number of both right and left gloves that were cut and I could throw away both. For some reason there is a flaw in my thinking that I can't seem to overcome. I have no problem throwing out the left  hand gloves that are cut- they're useless for keeping my hands dry. But the right hand ones are still fine, so I hang on to them. It doesn't seem to matter that there is no mate for them, they're still good. Why throw out something that is still useful? Years ago when my friend Buffalo Bob was fishing, we were able to help each other out. He's a southpaw and was always cutting his right glove. When we came to town we would get together and exchange gloves. It was a great system for both of us. I guess I'm going to have to break down and put a note on the bulletin board in the harbor this spring and see if I can find a lefty that wants to do a trade. My odds aren't good though. According to some research I saw, only about ten percent of the population is left handed. It also stated that lefties have a higher rate of psychosis. For those with mood disorders like depression or bi-polar disease, they were about average, at 11%, but in people with psychosis like schizophrenia, the number was closer to 40%. Holy cats! Maybe I could just walk the docks and casually strike up a conversation with my fellow fishermen and slowly bring up the subject of gloves and whether or not they're more inclined to clean their fish with their right or left hands. I wouldn't want to get on the bad side of some schizophrenic southpaw.Maybe I should write to the good folks at the Vinylove Glove Company and see if they can't start selling just left handed gloves for all us right handed fishermen. It might open up a whole new market. Perhaps I could recycle them as antennae devices for your car. Fill them full of Styrofoam, seal the bottom and stamp friendly sayings on them like Have a Nice Day!, or Pleased to Meet You. I could market them under the name Howdy's! On the other hand, I could just fill the middle finger with Styrofoam and have less cordial remarks like Get Lost! or Out of My Way! They might be big sellers in high traffic areas like L.A.  Either way the gloves wouldn't be going to waste. It's a win- win situation. I'm open to any other constructive ideas- just don't expect me to pay for them.

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