Friday, February 24, 2017

I've Got A Cold!!!


  I've got a cold, and let me tell you, it's a doozey. When it comes to getting ill, I don't like to mess around. I like to go all out and feel really miserable. Of course that comes with lots of moans, groans and general overall complaining. That way those around me can share in my suffering. I felt it coming on a few days ago. I was pretty much expecting it- Jan came home a few weeks ago with all the symptoms, and as time progressed she just got worse. Finally she got so bad she had to stay home from work for a few days. That's when I accepted the fact that I'd be the unhappy recipient of some of her germs and it was only a matter of time before it became a full blown cold. I tried to stave it off by popping some Zicam. It's supposed to prevent or at least lessen any cold you might get. I guess it worked for awhile. Who knows, maybe I wasn't diligent in my regimen and skipped a few tablets, I don't know. Anyway, I've got it now and I am NOT a happy camper.  You know the drill- the sneezing, coughing, runny nose, watery eyes. I also have joints that ache and of course I'm tired because I spent most of my night either trying to entice some air up my nostrils or coughing. This morning my stomach feels like I've done a thousand sit-ups. Of course my nose is getting raw from blowing it so much. If I didn't know better, I would suspect that someone had substituted my tissues with Brillo Pads. As you can see from the above picture,  I have all the makings of a cold rescue kit. Some Powerade, Halls cough drops, Puff's tissues, water, a packet of EmergenC and a couple of bibles so I can pray for strength to make it through this misery. If nothing else I can compare my troubles with that of Job and they don't seem quite so bad. One thing about being sick, you have a lot of time to think. Of course depending on whether or not you have  a fever, the thoughts can be productive or really off the wall. I like to think that my thoughts are productive. For instance, to solve the problem of a stuffed up nose, which always seems to get worse at bed time, I thought, why not invent a pair of nose funnels? Like all funnels, they would start large at one end and taper down at the other.The difference would be that there would be two  tapered ends. Perhaps a small fan could be installed in the large end of the funnel to help force air into your nasal cavities. You could get different sizes to fit whatever size nostrils you have. If you had a nose like,say, Jimmy Durante, who used to call himself the schnoz, you would purchase the magnum size. If you were like some ladies I've seen, whose nostrils seem to be almost pinched together to the point where you wonder if any air gets up there ever, or if perhaps their noses are just on their faces for decoration, you could buy the petite size.If you're like me, another common problem when you have a cold is the incessant flow from your nasal passages. With as much as my nose runs, I half expect to see that my head has shrank a few sizes by morning. Lord knows how many boxes of tissues I go through while waiting for a cold to run it's course. I think I have an answer to that problem. Nasal Sponges. Of course they would have to be soft and pliable right from the package. You wouldn't want to try shoving something as stiff as cardboard up your already inflamed nostrils. In order to ease the process of inserting them, and of course taking them out later, the sponges would have to be attached to a soft paper stick, much like the ones you find on Tootsie Roll Pops. This product is one that you should probably only use at home. It probably wouldn't go over very well if you were on a date and the sticks from the Nasal Sponges were protruding from your nose. Now, some people may find that attractive, maybe even sexy, but I don't know anyone like that, and I hope you don't either. Of course, needless to say, that would also apply if you were about to give a presentation to a group of clients or were in a boardroom or classroom. While a bunch of third graders might consider you the coolest teacher ever, management might not approve. OK. There you have it. I'm hoping that someone will take these great ideas and run with them. If you do, and they're a raging success, please remember where the ideas came from and drop a few dollars off for me.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Special Blends



  Flavored coffees are all the rage  nowadays. Even here in Hoonah you can buy all manner of exotic blends of coffee.  For Christmas Jan and I received some Heritage Coffee that had coconut flavor added to the beans. I usually shy away from fancy things like that. I'm pretty much a dyed in the wool Folgers guy- nothing fancy for me. However, I really enjoyed that coconut flavor, so much so that I recently purchased another bag of beans for an exorbitant price. Last week I was at my daughter Jen's house for dinner. After the meal she offered me a cup of coffee- nothing unusual there. My biggest complaint with her coffee is that she usually makes it stronger than I care for. By the time I get done drinking it, I have another mustache growing on the inside of my mouth. Jan and Jennifer were playing cards after dinner, and I was trying to enjoy a show on TV. It's not all that unusual for me to have to get up during a commercial to take a leak. I might go several times in the course of a few hours, depending on what I've had to drink; but that particular night, I think I had to run to the bathroom about four or five times. It started me thinking about what brand of coffee she had served. Though to the best of my knowledge, there is no such brand yet, I wondered about marketing a blend of coffee that would encourage even more urination than normal. Perhaps it would come in handy if you were trying to lose a few pounds before a weekend date, or if you were a wrestler and needed to cut weight, or you were heading in to face the doctor for a physical and wanted him to believe that you had actually been following his advise about dieting. I think an appropriate name for such a blend of coffee would be BLADDER TICKLER. I kind of doubt if Starbucks would carry it, although they would probably try to market their own brand, something like Starbucks Wee Wee or some such thing. If you happened to have an obnoxious guest who didn't know when to leave, just serve them a big cup of Tickler and make funny faces every time they got up to go to the bathroom. It wouldn't be long before they felt compelled to leave. It's not the kind of beverage that you would want to imbibe on a long road trip, unless of course you were on a quest to check out all the road side rest stops on I-95.For those folks who may suffer with constipation on a regular basis, perhaps a cup of BOWEL TICKLER would be in order. A few cups of this and before you knew it, the pipes would be as clean as a whistle.Again, you might want to give it some thought before you drank a few cups. It's the kind of thing that you might want to wait to try until you were home for  a weekend- just to play it safe.  Lets just say you had the opposite problem, maybe something like Irritable Bowel Syndrome. That could really ruin a date. If that's your problem, brew up a pot of CLOG. A cup or two of that and you won't need to worry if you're stuck in an L A traffic jam for the whole day. You'd be good to go- or not go as the case may be. With the frequent incidents of planes being stuck on the tarmac in these modern times, it might be something that the airlines would want to consider as a complimentary drink when the passengers first board, just in case. Rather than subject all your paying customers with overflowing airplane toilets, a cup or two of Clog could prevent an already irritating problem from turning into an all out rebellion on board. Frankly, with all the great ideas that I have, I don't know why I'm not a millionaire.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Bald is Beautiful? Perhaps Not!



  Perhaps you've heard the saying that bald is beautiful. Well, that may well be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so I've heard. I've got nothing against baldness. I have several family members, including a grandson who are losing hair at an alarming rate. Somehow I've been spared, at least until recently.  Awhile back my granddaughter was standing behind me while I was sitting in a chair and declared that I was getting bald. Maybe I am, I can't see where she was talking about,so I'm going to believe that everything is still OK for the most part. In any event, there isn't a lot that I can do about it if I am going bald. However, as you might guess from the above pictures, I'm not speaking about hair, but rather tires. I have a beloved daughter who I won't mention by name, but those who know me know who I'm talking about. She has a fine vehicle, made by the folks at Subaru. Apparently she's under the impression that if she has gas in it and the engine cranks over when she turns the key, then everything is fine. I would beg to differ with her, but I'm afraid that I've made an issue of past problems so frequently, that whenever I venture to offer an opinion about a problem that is apparent, even to her, I get a frustrated- Dad!! I guess that's my cue to shut up. I was in her car catching a ride  home back during the holidays. Hoonah has a twenty mile per hour speed limit, which she didn't even come close to approaching, but in the passenger seat I I felt like I was riding in the drum of a spinning cement mixer. I was chewing gum without even having to move my jaws.Honestly, the car was shaking so bad I was surprised we weren't driving in our lane and the opposing one simultaneously.  Anyone observing her pass by would wonder if a mad scientist had somehow managed to cross a hula-hoop with a vehicle. She had a CD playing but the vibration was so bad that the CD was skipping tracks.  Have you ever had a cranky baby on your hands, and almost at your wit's end when you get the idea to strap the child into the car seat and go for a drive? Lots of time the gentle rocking motion will put the child sound to sleep.My great granddaughter was a little crabby one evening so we all decided to go for a drive thinking it would help. NOT! When I exited the vehicle, the baby was still crying, and I was on the verge of a little melt down myself. It was like driving over a corduroy road with solid steel tires. I would imagine the pre-historic vehicle with the stone wheels that Fred Flintstone drove was probably a smoother ride. My head was bouncing around like it was a paddle ball. I felt like I was a skirt on a hula dancer on steroids.Perhaps I should have driven with her a little bit further, I might have hit the window so hard I would have knocked myself out for awhile. By the time I got out, I had an overwhelming desire to see a chiropractor.In any event, you get the picture. The bottom line is, I'm not a mechanic, so I don't know if the bald tires are the only reason for the extreme shaking, but it's a pretty good bet they are. They're the original tires that came with the car when it was new, Lord knows how many thousands of miles ago. I'm hoping that she'll take the time to replace them soon, before they cause an even larger problem, or heaven forbid, cause an accident.