Friday, April 14, 2017

Moose Lips

 Once again my oldest daughter Jen has provided me with material for a blog post. She came by the other night for a visit- or maybe she was eating dinner I can't recall. She didn't borrow anything this time, although she always makes a point of using our bathroom before she goes home. Maybe she's stocking up on toilet paper while she's in there. I should probably check her pockets before she leaves. Anyway, she was sitting on the couch and reached in to her jacket and pulled out what looked like a glue stick and started smearing her lips with it. She was really going at it, like she was in love with the blasted thing. I think she was making out with her lip balm. She must have the driest lips on the planet.Well, not anymore, after she smeared a half a tube of schmutz on her lips. She seldom is without a tube of Chap stick and she uses it liberally. If not that, she's got a can of some kind of  lip goo, with names like Wild Honey Delight or Salmonberry Yum Yum. I think the stuff in the cans could be used to waterproof your boots.There is usually some commentary on whatever flavor she's applying and how wonderful it is. I don't think I've ever heard her say that she didn't care for one. This particular lip balm is called Moose Lips- Alaskan size lip balm. It's so big that you can cover both lips in one swipe; probably half your nose and a third of your chin too. Moose Lips. That's a catchy name. I've never really thought about it, but do moose even have lips? What would they need them for anyway? I guess I should have done some research before I started this blog post. What about cows or bears? I don't think my dog has lips. Now I'm probably going to lose sleep wondering about the anatomy of various species in the animal kingdom. I wonder what materials go into one of those lip balms. When my lips were dry I used to just get a dab of Vaseline jelly and pucker up. That stuff worked so good my lips were still moist the next morning. In the unlikely event that anyone needed a good morning kissing, I'd be ready. My son Brian was visiting and last night when Jen brought out her monster size lip balm we were both under the impression that she had accidentally grabbed the glue stick from the class room and was going to seal her lips shut for the remainder of the night. He commented that it might not be a bad idea if the schools actually had such an item. A combination glue stick/lip balm for kids who are disruptive in class. It might come in handy in other situations as well, like when a beloved family member is visiting and decides to strike up a conversation right when breaking news comes on TV, or you're watching a movie, or you're right on the verge of dropping off into slumber land. I'm sure there are any number of uses for such a versatile item. It would give new meaning to the word lipstick. So there you have it. In the event that you're in a location that doesn't have any moose, perhaps you can find some Turkey Lips balm. If you're a seafood lover, perhaps Carp Lips would be in order. In any event I hope your lips are soft and pliable and ready for any unexpected kisses that may come your way.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

  A number of years ago, when Clint Eastwood was still a fairly young man, he starred in a few spaghetti westerns, one of which was titled, The good, the bad and the ugly. I'm sitting in my home today listening to the wind howl, and the rain beat against the roof, and realize that I'm experiencing the bad part of living here. As you can see from the pictures, we're still dealing with the after affects of the last major snow storm. This past week it actually warmed up fairly well and with the rain the snow is starting to melt  a little quicker, so I guess in that respect the rain is good. However, it's gloomy and cloudy out, and that seems kind of bad. I almost wrote cluddy instead of cloudy. I think cluddy would pretty well describe the scene outside my windows. Kind of muddy, cruddy, rainy and cloudy all rolled into one. In other words, depressing. When we first moved into Hoonah, it was kind of a step up from where we had been living on the farm. The houses all had electricity (most of the time) there was indoor plumbing and warm toilet seats, there were three stores in town, and several restaurants, and telephone service. All the modern conveniences that a person could want. At the time I wasn't too concerned about issues like planning and zoning and whether or not my neighbors threw their washing machine out in the front yard if it quit working.  I just needed a warm, safe, dry place for my family. Now thirty years have passed. There have been some considerable changes to the town since we've first moved in. Some years back the state paved the streets, a big plus.That was good. We've gotten a modern ferry terminal and a new health clinic, both of which we needed. That was also good.  I would have hoped that some of the modernization would have rubbed off on some of the citizens and they would take a little more pride in how they live, but many haven't, which seems bad. It looks like tourism is here to stay, which could be good, bad or ugly, depending on how you view the impact that it has. There are a number of tourists who leave the cannery area and go walking around the town. I think many are struck by the contrast between the beauty of the bay and the  state of some of the homes here. For many residents, having a nice yard or a fresh coat of paint on your house isn't a priority.  In their defense, I have to say that I can only think of one or two homes here that have garages, so all the junk that everyone  stores in their garages down south gets left in the yard here. I guess you could suggest that maybe we should purchase less stuff, but hey, this is America, shopping is what we do. Out (in the yard) with the old, in with the new. Last year the city manager and the police chief identified somewhere between five and ten homes that were considered abandoned and were condemned. The green house next door is one of them. Again, that could be both good and bad. I've been living beside an empty house whose roof has been steadily blowing off with each windstorm for the past ten years. That's ugly.  I've been keeping the lawn mowed so it wouldn't detract from my home. On the one hand it will be nice to see it go.That's good. On the other, I fear that an empty lot will be an invitation for the neighborhood dogs to use it as a fresh toilet. That's bad. If I could, I'd purchase the empty lot and put up a privacy fence and build a garage so I could park my truck and store my excess junk, however, I don't think that's going to happen, so I have to hope for the best. Well, I guess I'm having a kind of cluddy day. I hope wherever you are the sun is shining, the neighbors are respectful and your garage has room for the car.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Why Do Men Have Nipples

 Yesterday, March 24, was our wedding anniversary. Jan and I have been married 45 years and one day so far. We got a lot of acknowledgements from our kids and friends, and as is often the case, my youngest daughter, Autumn, took it a step further. She sent us a care package complete with macadamia nut candy and coffee from Hawaii and this interesting little book. This is the same gal that manages to find some of the most bizarre and hilarious cards for all occasions. I've gotten a card showing the Titanic sinking and a fellow trying to patch the hole and  requesting more duct tape with the caption- If only Dad was there. I've also received a card showing a fellow in a custom designed suit that has a hose from his backside to a helmet on his head saying he liked the smell of his own farts so much that he designed a special suit for just that purpose. I'm not sure why she sent me that card, except that she seems to be infatuated with bodily functions. Not sure where she got that from. Anyway, this book addresses a multitude of questions that you've probably wondered about, but were afraid to ask. Usually we ponder these lofty thoughts away from the maddening crowds and distractions of everyday life. Perhaps sitting in a deer stand for hours waiting for a buck to wander by, or trolling for salmon where the minutes turn to hours and you've replayed the scenario where a big king strikes so often that even you don't believe it's going to happen and your mind goes off in another direction in an effort to save your sanity. I haven't had a chance to read this book yet, but I did peruse it a little. Right off the bat it's entertaining. The dedication is to all the special doctors who inspired the authors- Dr. Pepper, Dr. Seuss, Dr. Cliff Huxtable, Dr. Scholl's and many others.  Chapter one starts off with the authors attending a Park Avenue cocktail party. One of the authors gives the hostess, whom they describe as a botox junkie, a kiss and tells her to lay off the collagen. "Kissing those lips is like making out with the Michelin man." I'm truly looking forward to reading the rest of it. When so much of what passes for entertainment on TV, or news for that matter, is so disturbing, it's nice to know that there are still intelligent people out there who have a good sense of humor and in the case of this book, which is a New York Times best seller, are able to profit from that humor. Way to go guys! Autumn, thanks for the care package, as always it's not necessary, you could just send money. However, we do appreciate that all the gifts were either edible or small enough that they won't take up too much space. We're trying to downsize you know. Thanks also to our other kids who blessed us with a phone call and well wishes on our anniversary. We love to hear from you. Frankly, I don't know how you remember the date. I had forgotten it until Jan told me on the morning of the big day itself.  Anyway, we're working on number 46 now, and with any  luck there will be many more to follow.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Good Friends Are Hard to Come By

  For the past several months, I was blessed to be able to work with a young man named Whitney. His father was out of  town and needed someone to stay with him for part of the day while his mom was at work. I had worked with Whitney a number of years ago when I was his aid at school. Frankly, working at the school was one of the hardest jobs I ever had, but my time with Whitney made it all worth while. Like Forrest Gump said,"Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get"; every day was like that for me. One of the things I liked best about him is that he is so brutally honest. There is no political correctness or worrying about offending you when he speaks. He just says what's on his mind. You always know what's on his mind, and that's refreshing.  When I worked with him at the school, we ran a school store. Most school stores carry pencils, paper, pens, rulers and other odds and ends that are almost a guarantee that the store won't make any money. OUR school store carried Capri Sun drinks, ice cream, chips, Fruit By the Foot, Fruit Snacks, Smoke-a-Roni pepperoni sticks and all manner of other things that kids wanted. We also had pencils and paper and other school supplies, but we seldom sold much of those items. There was only about 200 kids in the whole school, grades K-12, but that first year we grossed over $30,000. It was fun. Anyway, one day Whitney came in and was hungry. He wanted me to buy him a snack. I offered to buy him an ice cream, but he wanted pepperoni sticks, the most expensive thing. I finally broke down and bought them and asked him if he would like one, and I offered the package to him. Without a second thought he said-"I want two." and grabbed them out. Another time his father, who was my boss, told me to take a can of Swiss Miss cocoa down to the home-ec room and make him a cup of hot chocolate. He wanted Whitney to follow the directions on the can. After he made it, he started walking with the Styrofoam cup and it started to spill. He said, "I'm going to take a little drink." So I said OK. He did and then his eyes lit up, he said "MMMMMM... I'm going to take another drink!" I said OK. So he did, and then he said "I'm going to drink it all!" Which he did. I said "Whitney! That was your dad's hot chocolate! So he says, "He's not that thirsty" It took me fifteen minutes to stop laughing. It was good to see that he hadn't changed in any of the important ways since I last worked with him. He goes out for a walk every day when the weather is good. When we went walking, he would either get way ahead of me or wait until I was quite a ways ahead of him before he would start. I don't know the reason why, but he doesn't like to have anyone walk along side him.He likes to talk to himself and doesn't want to be bothered I guess. One day the weather was foul, so he opted to walk on the treadmill upstairs. I was sitting in a chair in the bedroom, and he looked over at me and said-"Tom, that bed is a mess." I asked if he wanted me to make it. He said "yes please." So I did. Unlike me, he makes his bed every morning before he leaves the house.  Part of my job was to practice emergency drills with him. I asked what he would do if the house was on fire. He said he'd jump out the window. OK. Any port in a storm I guess. We took frequent drives around town, which he enjoyed immensely. He checks the mail every day and going to the post office is an important part of his routine. The new post master and Whitney have really bonded, and he makes a point of ringing the buzzer in the post office to speak to him and give him a hug. On the days when there is no mail in his box, Whitney takes it personally and is sure that the postmaster is holding out on him intentionally. He never fails to ring the buzzer and give him hell on those days. Fortunately it's all taken in stride, and once in awhile there are a few catalogs laying around that have been discarded so that Whitney doesn't have to go home empty handed. This past Wednesday was my last day working with him. His father came home so I wasn't needed anymore.  As we were sitting in the car he looked at me with a certain degree of disgust. I couldn't figure out what was wrong so I asked, "what's the matter, have I got a mouse on my head or what?" He says, "Tom, I'm very disappointed in you" It all revolved around the fact that we were done working together. As it is though, he's come by for a visit the last two days. You know, in the present environment that we have in this country, where no one can seem to get along, I so wish we could all be a little more like Whitney; speaking the truth, chowing down on pepperoni sticks and hot chocolate, and giving out hugs to our friends on a regular basis. I think the world would be a better place.

Friday, February 24, 2017

I've Got A Cold!!!

  I've got a cold, and let me tell you, it's a doozey. When it comes to getting ill, I don't like to mess around. I like to go all out and feel really miserable. Of course that comes with lots of moans, groans and general overall complaining. That way those around me can share in my suffering. I felt it coming on a few days ago. I was pretty much expecting it- Jan came home a few weeks ago with all the symptoms, and as time progressed she just got worse. Finally she got so bad she had to stay home from work for a few days. That's when I accepted the fact that I'd be the unhappy recipient of some of her germs and it was only a matter of time before it became a full blown cold. I tried to stave it off by popping some Zicam. It's supposed to prevent or at least lessen any cold you might get. I guess it worked for awhile. Who knows, maybe I wasn't diligent in my regimen and skipped a few tablets, I don't know. Anyway, I've got it now and I am NOT a happy camper.  You know the drill- the sneezing, coughing, runny nose, watery eyes. I also have joints that ache and of course I'm tired because I spent most of my night either trying to entice some air up my nostrils or coughing. This morning my stomach feels like I've done a thousand sit-ups. Of course my nose is getting raw from blowing it so much. If I didn't know better, I would suspect that someone had substituted my tissues with Brillo Pads. As you can see from the above picture,  I have all the makings of a cold rescue kit. Some Powerade, Halls cough drops, Puff's tissues, water, a packet of EmergenC and a couple of bibles so I can pray for strength to make it through this misery. If nothing else I can compare my troubles with that of Job and they don't seem quite so bad. One thing about being sick, you have a lot of time to think. Of course depending on whether or not you have  a fever, the thoughts can be productive or really off the wall. I like to think that my thoughts are productive. For instance, to solve the problem of a stuffed up nose, which always seems to get worse at bed time, I thought, why not invent a pair of nose funnels? Like all funnels, they would start large at one end and taper down at the other.The difference would be that there would be two  tapered ends. Perhaps a small fan could be installed in the large end of the funnel to help force air into your nasal cavities. You could get different sizes to fit whatever size nostrils you have. If you had a nose like,say, Jimmy Durante, who used to call himself the schnoz, you would purchase the magnum size. If you were like some ladies I've seen, whose nostrils seem to be almost pinched together to the point where you wonder if any air gets up there ever, or if perhaps their noses are just on their faces for decoration, you could buy the petite size.If you're like me, another common problem when you have a cold is the incessant flow from your nasal passages. With as much as my nose runs, I half expect to see that my head has shrank a few sizes by morning. Lord knows how many boxes of tissues I go through while waiting for a cold to run it's course. I think I have an answer to that problem. Nasal Sponges. Of course they would have to be soft and pliable right from the package. You wouldn't want to try shoving something as stiff as cardboard up your already inflamed nostrils. In order to ease the process of inserting them, and of course taking them out later, the sponges would have to be attached to a soft paper stick, much like the ones you find on Tootsie Roll Pops. This product is one that you should probably only use at home. It probably wouldn't go over very well if you were on a date and the sticks from the Nasal Sponges were protruding from your nose. Now, some people may find that attractive, maybe even sexy, but I don't know anyone like that, and I hope you don't either. Of course, needless to say, that would also apply if you were about to give a presentation to a group of clients or were in a boardroom or classroom. While a bunch of third graders might consider you the coolest teacher ever, management might not approve. OK. There you have it. I'm hoping that someone will take these great ideas and run with them. If you do, and they're a raging success, please remember where the ideas came from and drop a few dollars off for me.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Special Blends

  Flavored coffees are all the rage  nowadays. Even here in Hoonah you can buy all manner of exotic blends of coffee.  For Christmas Jan and I received some Heritage Coffee that had coconut flavor added to the beans. I usually shy away from fancy things like that. I'm pretty much a dyed in the wool Folgers guy- nothing fancy for me. However, I really enjoyed that coconut flavor, so much so that I recently purchased another bag of beans for an exorbitant price. Last week I was at my daughter Jen's house for dinner. After the meal she offered me a cup of coffee- nothing unusual there. My biggest complaint with her coffee is that she usually makes it stronger than I care for. By the time I get done drinking it, I have another mustache growing on the inside of my mouth. Jan and Jennifer were playing cards after dinner, and I was trying to enjoy a show on TV. It's not all that unusual for me to have to get up during a commercial to take a leak. I might go several times in the course of a few hours, depending on what I've had to drink; but that particular night, I think I had to run to the bathroom about four or five times. It started me thinking about what brand of coffee she had served. Though to the best of my knowledge, there is no such brand yet, I wondered about marketing a blend of coffee that would encourage even more urination than normal. Perhaps it would come in handy if you were trying to lose a few pounds before a weekend date, or if you were a wrestler and needed to cut weight, or you were heading in to face the doctor for a physical and wanted him to believe that you had actually been following his advise about dieting. I think an appropriate name for such a blend of coffee would be BLADDER TICKLER. I kind of doubt if Starbucks would carry it, although they would probably try to market their own brand, something like Starbucks Wee Wee or some such thing. If you happened to have an obnoxious guest who didn't know when to leave, just serve them a big cup of Tickler and make funny faces every time they got up to go to the bathroom. It wouldn't be long before they felt compelled to leave. It's not the kind of beverage that you would want to imbibe on a long road trip, unless of course you were on a quest to check out all the road side rest stops on I-95.For those folks who may suffer with constipation on a regular basis, perhaps a cup of BOWEL TICKLER would be in order. A few cups of this and before you knew it, the pipes would be as clean as a whistle.Again, you might want to give it some thought before you drank a few cups. It's the kind of thing that you might want to wait to try until you were home for  a weekend- just to play it safe.  Lets just say you had the opposite problem, maybe something like Irritable Bowel Syndrome. That could really ruin a date. If that's your problem, brew up a pot of CLOG. A cup or two of that and you won't need to worry if you're stuck in an L A traffic jam for the whole day. You'd be good to go- or not go as the case may be. With the frequent incidents of planes being stuck on the tarmac in these modern times, it might be something that the airlines would want to consider as a complimentary drink when the passengers first board, just in case. Rather than subject all your paying customers with overflowing airplane toilets, a cup or two of Clog could prevent an already irritating problem from turning into an all out rebellion on board. Frankly, with all the great ideas that I have, I don't know why I'm not a millionaire.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Bald is Beautiful? Perhaps Not!

  Perhaps you've heard the saying that bald is beautiful. Well, that may well be. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so I've heard. I've got nothing against baldness. I have several family members, including a grandson who are losing hair at an alarming rate. Somehow I've been spared, at least until recently.  Awhile back my granddaughter was standing behind me while I was sitting in a chair and declared that I was getting bald. Maybe I am, I can't see where she was talking about,so I'm going to believe that everything is still OK for the most part. In any event, there isn't a lot that I can do about it if I am going bald. However, as you might guess from the above pictures, I'm not speaking about hair, but rather tires. I have a beloved daughter who I won't mention by name, but those who know me know who I'm talking about. She has a fine vehicle, made by the folks at Subaru. Apparently she's under the impression that if she has gas in it and the engine cranks over when she turns the key, then everything is fine. I would beg to differ with her, but I'm afraid that I've made an issue of past problems so frequently, that whenever I venture to offer an opinion about a problem that is apparent, even to her, I get a frustrated- Dad!! I guess that's my cue to shut up. I was in her car catching a ride  home back during the holidays. Hoonah has a twenty mile per hour speed limit, which she didn't even come close to approaching, but in the passenger seat I I felt like I was riding in the drum of a spinning cement mixer. I was chewing gum without even having to move my jaws.Honestly, the car was shaking so bad I was surprised we weren't driving in our lane and the opposing one simultaneously.  Anyone observing her pass by would wonder if a mad scientist had somehow managed to cross a hula-hoop with a vehicle. She had a CD playing but the vibration was so bad that the CD was skipping tracks.  Have you ever had a cranky baby on your hands, and almost at your wit's end when you get the idea to strap the child into the car seat and go for a drive? Lots of time the gentle rocking motion will put the child sound to sleep.My great granddaughter was a little crabby one evening so we all decided to go for a drive thinking it would help. NOT! When I exited the vehicle, the baby was still crying, and I was on the verge of a little melt down myself. It was like driving over a corduroy road with solid steel tires. I would imagine the pre-historic vehicle with the stone wheels that Fred Flintstone drove was probably a smoother ride. My head was bouncing around like it was a paddle ball. I felt like I was a skirt on a hula dancer on steroids.Perhaps I should have driven with her a little bit further, I might have hit the window so hard I would have knocked myself out for awhile. By the time I got out, I had an overwhelming desire to see a chiropractor.In any event, you get the picture. The bottom line is, I'm not a mechanic, so I don't know if the bald tires are the only reason for the extreme shaking, but it's a pretty good bet they are. They're the original tires that came with the car when it was new, Lord knows how many thousands of miles ago. I'm hoping that she'll take the time to replace them soon, before they cause an even larger problem, or heaven forbid, cause an accident.